Can’t Live With Em’, Can’t Live Without Em’; Heteropessimism Explained
In the summer of 2020 I was seeing this word, heteropessimism, in article after article about heterosexual relationship dissatisfaction. It dawned on me that over the course of the pandemic people became more acutely aware of the challenges in their relationships and also turned to social media more. I saw an uptick in comedic videos mocking spouses that were full of stereotypical gendered complaints. The comments were flooding in, expressing feelings of deceit, as if they’d been sold a false heterosexual happily ever after. There was a pervasive hum of disappointment and resignation to the status quo.
The attack on bodily autonomy and overturning of Roe V Wade brought a political activation of cisgender women I had not seen in my lifetime; acompanied by both a growing awareness of patriarchal structures and a growing resentment toward cisgender men.
Heteropessimism is both a personal and cultural issue and I believe there is a cure.
What Is Heteropessimism?
Heteropessimism was coined in 2019 by Asa Seresin who defined it as an attitude of disappointment, embarrassment or despair at the state of - and being in - a heterosexual relationship.
It has also been defined as “negative feelings within a heterosexual relationship, especially ones of disappointment, embarrassment, regret or dissatisfaction.”
The term highlights the often public disavowal of heterosexuality but no effort to change or remove oneself from the “irredeemable” reality of heterosexual relationship.
In summary, the term refers to someone’s sense of dissatisfaction about their heterosexual relationship. This phenomenon is theorized to be caused by a variety of things, although it’s often difficult to pin down.
Heteropessimism is supported by data
The results of a 2020 study found that same-gender couples have better, healthier interactions with their partners than those in heterosexual relationships. Another study conducted in 2021 revealed that women in heterosexual relationships become more depressed and less satisfied than their male partners as their relationships progress.
Researchers are still theorizing why this discrepancy exists, so let’s dig deeper!
How does heteropessimism relate to heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality?
While heteropessimism is a a pervasive disappointment and ambivalence about heterosexual life, heteronormativity is the assumption and expectation of heterosexuality as the only legitimate form of sexuality.
I would argue that heteropessimism wouldnt be such an issue if western culture wasn’t so heteronormative and people were educated about compulsory heterosexuality. Comphet (for short) refers to how a patriarchal, heteronormative society conditions women to view interactions and connections with men as romantic or sexual. Thus women end up in relationships with men as a default, rather than by conscious choice.
How do traditional gender roles and inequalities feed into heteropessimism?
Surprise–traditional gender roles and the enforcement of the binary is at the heart of heteropessimism. Who would have thought!
Often when cishet couples report resentment in relationships it is because of unequal caring responsibilities that stem from patriarchal structures of heterosexual relationship based on normative gender roles. Women are not the only ones affected by this, as men experience societal pressure to provide and protect. Unfortunately, pessimism leads to cynicism and contempt which often precludes couples from attempting to improve their relationship despite feeling trapped.
When humans feel trapped we are cut off from our capacity to imagine possibilities beyond what we know. Heteropessimism blocks people from considering relationship structures and possibilities beyond the monogamous nuclear family.
What are the red flags to look for in the relationship?
Feeling apathy about the state of your relationship or frequent disavowal of heterosexuality but making no effort to change
Participating in opposite gender "bashing," whether online or in person
Feeling increasingly resentful about gender roles
Frequently making negative comments about your relationship with friends and family
The more concerning dangers of misogyny and domestic violence
Cultivating Hetero-Optimism!
Sex and relationship therapist Tiffany Jones, L.P.C., recommends the following steps to create a more healthy dynamic in your heterosexual relationship:
Begin with an honest conversation about creating positivity in your relationship
Focus on each partner's needs
Find time for self-reflection
Utilize healthy boundaries
Work on communication skills
Cultivate common goals
Develop equal roles within the relationship
Work toward acceptance and understanding of alternative lifestyles and ways of living
Queering Heteronormativity
If you are in a heterosexual relationship, tt is possible to cultivate a new vision of heterosexuality with your partner beyond the cultural scripts your were handed. You can find joy within your romantic and sexual partnership but also consider other of kinds of love and community! The more you can emphasize and cultivate consent, freedom, creativity, joy and respect the better!
Want to learn more?
Check out an article I was recently quoted in for Get Giddy, “Heteropessimism May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship.”
Check out my other blog posts, Things That Are Unnecessarily Gendered, and Six Trans Myths, Debunked! to learn more!
Resources to learn more about LGBTQ+ identities and be a better parent or caregiver:
A great way to be an ally is learning the proper terms to discuss 2SLGBTQ+ topics.
To download a PDF of gender and sexuality terms click here.
Has a kid in your life recently come out to you? Check out my guide!
Want to better understand gender so you can support the kids in your life?
Sign up for How To Talk To Kids About Gender, the course that helps parents and caregivers have the not-so-difficult conversations that matter about gender.
