Setting a New Table: Parents Are Choosing Their Trans Kids Over Holiday Tradition
“My child’s safety or my family—how do I choose?” a parent asked me recently, tears streaming down their face. For parents of transgender children, this heart-wrenching dilemma has become a grim reality. In a post-election climate where anti-trans rhetoric is soaring, holiday gatherings with relatives who actively chose to vote for Trump—knowing what that would mean for their child—aren’t just tense; they can be outright dangerous.
Here’s the truth: you don’t have to spend time with people who refuse to affirm your child’s identity, especially when their safety and well-being are at stake.
Since the presidential election, LGBTQ+ crisis centers have reported a 700% spike in calls from trans youth. This alarming surge reflects the emotional toll of heightened anti-trans rhetoric and legislative threats. For many trans children, the world has become a more frightening and isolating place, where their very existence feels like a political battleground. Add family rejection to that burden, and the harm becomes almost unbearable.
The statistics paint a grim picture. LGBTQ youth whose families are unsupportive are almost 50% more likely to attempt suicide than those whose families are affirming. For transgender and gender-expansive youth, the simple act of using correct pronouns makes a measurable difference: 65.5% of transgender youth with families who never use correct pronouns screen positive for depression, compared to 49.6% of those whose families always do. Similarly, using a transgender youth’s chosen name has been shown to significantly reduce depression and suicidal ideation, with youth whose chosen names are consistently used experiencing 71% fewer symptoms of severe depression. These small acts of respect and affirmation can be life-saving, while rejection leaves lasting scars.
Family gatherings, which are supposed to be times of joy and connection, can instead become spaces of hostility and exclusion. Misgendering, dismissive comments, or outright refusal to acknowledge a child’s identity leave deep scars. Protecting a child from such harm isn’t an act of defiance or drama—it’s an act of love. As Prentis Hemphill, a therapist, political organizer, and writer, aptly put it, "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously."
Setting boundaries this holiday season can be an act of care—not just for your child but for everyone involved. It prevents your child from building lasting negative associations with family members you know are better than this, while giving relatives the space to reflect and grow. Boundaries aren’t about severing ties forever; they’re about creating an environment where love and acceptance are non-negotiable.
To be sure, skipping family gatherings is not an easy decision for most. Many parents feel a deep desire to maintain family ties, clinging to the hope that time together might lead to greater understanding. Others worry about the fallout—how relatives might react, what might be said behind their backs, or how estrangement could impact their sense of belonging. But it’s important to understand these decisions aren’t just about one election. For many, the election is simply the last straw in years or even decades of escalating hate and division.
The LGBTQ+ community has long shown us that family isn’t always defined by blood. When biological families reject their identities, LGBTQ+ individuals have built chosen families—relationships founded on mutual respect, support, and love. This lesson isn’t just for trans kids; it matters for parents, too. Being around relatives who don’t support your child can be psychologically unsafe for parents, adding to feelings of isolation, stress, and anger. Parents deserve spaces where they feel supported and affirmed in their role as advocates and protectors, just as their children do. Whether that means a quiet dinner at home, a gathering with supportive friends, or a virtual celebration, the goal is the same: to provide a space where both parent and child feel valued, celebrated, and safe.
This holiday season, parents must remember that family is not about obligation; it’s about love. And sometimes, the greatest act of love is knowing when to walk away from one table and set a new one.
Are you the parent or caregiver of LGBTQ+ youth? Your family deserves support.
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