Queer Eye, Facing Fears, & Parenting Trans Youth
As a teenager in the 2000’s living in the suburbs, I was exposed to queer culture by musical theatre, GSA meetings, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Almost a decade after its last episode, in 2018 Queer Eye was relaunched by Netflix with a new Fab Five, and recently released its sixth season. While the entire season is arguably their best work yet, the episode “Angel Gets Her Wings” was a beautiful model of how parents can learn and overcome their fear to support their trans child.
**Spoiler Alert: This article will contain quotes and detailed information from the episode.**
Angel and Her Journey of Becoming
Angel Flores is a twenty-two year old trans woman who is discovering who she is while navigating the challenges of familial relationships, competitive athletics, and cultural expectations of gender. Angel has been disconnected from her father since starting her medical transition and wants to be able to reconnect with him. She has maintained some positive familial relationships and says, “My mom and my siblings have been really, really great…[my dad] just doesn’t understand why [I want to transition].” She describes the last conversation she had with her dad as the, “last…barrier” before beginning a medical transition. Angel explains that she ultimately had to make the decision to proceed with her transition and tell her father, “this is what I’m doing for my health…[because] sometimes I don’t want to be here anymore.” With that proclamation of self and who she was becoming, she lost her connection with her father and was estranged from him for months. “I want him to see, like, that, like, I'm smiling this big for the first time in my life. I'm feeling like I truly am myself, but there is just one thing missing. I just want my dad back.” She goes on to describe that while she has accomplished so much since she started transitioning, and while everyone around her is proud, she really needs to hear that from her dad.
What the Research Shows About Suicide Rates and Family Acceptance
There are 1.4 million adults in the U.S. who identify as transgender, and research shows that suicidal thoughts and attempts among transgender adults is significantly higher than that of the U.S. general population. Research on trans youth confirms that rates of suicidal thoughts and attempts are up to four times the national average for cisgender youth. Perhaps more important, studies also show that trans youth and young adults with supportive families, youth with families that used their chosen name and pronouns, along with those who received hormone and/or surgical care, and young adults who reported having supportive classmates or co-workers, all reported a lower prevalence of suicidal thoughts and attempts.
A Father’s Fear & Latinx Culture
Viewers learn that Angel’s father has had a difficult time accepting her identity and they have not been in contact since she began her transition, yet the show beautifully avoids villainizing his character and writing him off as “just another dad who doesn’t get it.” Both of Angel’s parents acknowledge there are cultural differences and expectations that contribute to his fear and lack of understanding. Angel’s mother, Christina says, “He’s coming from a traditional Mexican family, and it’s one way and that’s it,” meaning you are born one way and you don’t question or change that. She reminds Angel, “You know how he is...He has to come on his own time.”
Luis Resendez, a Latinx marriage and family therapist, explores the impacts of how “toxic masculine attitudes have been problematic in Latinx households and families for generations.” He defines Machismo (macho or machista) as, “a concept that states that a man must adhere to a set of principles which define and protect his manhood/masculinity. Often times this is conveyed through emotional and physical domination over those around him and sexual dominance over his spouse/partner.” Resendez explains that the mechanisms that drive machismo are rooted in fear; fear of not living up to expectations of cultural views of masculinity, fear of being seen as not being able to support his family - not being a “real” man, and fear of being ostracized by other men for engaging in behavior deemed to be “feminine”.
Angel’s dad, Jose, acknowledges that he knows “nothing about the trans community” and doesn’t know anyone who is trans so he has no model for what Angel’s life could look like. No wonder he is afraid! He explains he was raised to believe in strict gender roles and “for 21 years I raised a boy”. He repeats this phrase multiple times in the episode as we watch him come to terms with the reality that he was raising a daughter.
Letting Go of The Life He Imagined For Angel
Some of the most vulnerable and tear-jerking moments in Jose’s conversation with Karamo (the Fab Five culture expert) were in processing his fear of seeing her in person. He confirms he is afraid to see “that exterior that I have not yet grasped”. Karamo wisely interjects, “Of not seeing the child that you have in your mind?” And Jose agrees. Karamo goes on to explain that, “sometimes as parents…we have one image of the life we think our child is gonna have, and then when that image doesn't happen, we start to grieve it.”
This is almost word-for-word the conversation that I consistently have with parents of trans youth. It is essential to allow time and space to process this grief, not with the child, but with an experienced friend or ideally a professional. So often parents struggle to let go of the narrative they have built about their child’s life; who they will become, who they will love, and how they may start a family one day. When all of that gets upended by transition it can cause a fear response, an onslaught of shame, and too many questions to even consider. Because of this, many parents shut down. It’s not because they don’t love their child, it’s because they are afraid and don’t have a roadmap.
Karamo assures Jose that “the image you had for your child is not that far off and there's a happiness there, but Angel misses you, Angel misses you more than I think you even know.” Jose, through tears, explains he just wants to understand how this process even started and where this “mindset came from”. As his voice breaks he says, Because there's a true void... in my heart that I've been missing. I mention his crying because it’s important that we witness and normalize men’s tears - and Queer Eye has never shied away from that.
A note on grief: This processing should be done with anyone other than the trans person! As much as you may want to share your experience, they don’t need to hear that you're grieving. Often they are excited and relieved to finally be able to be their authentic self, and being told that causes grief to those around them is painful. It also perpetuates the notion that their past ceases to exist and is likely the foundation for terms like “deadname” (name assigned at birth) which are often upsetting to parents and caregivers.
The Importance of Open and Honest Communication
Angel and her father are able to reconcile after engaging in direct communication where they both acknowledge their fears and sadness. While different, both of them have experienced loss in this process. Angel is able to ask her father “why was it so hard to see me?”. Jose explains he didn’t understand and didn’t even know what questions to ask: “It's like, if you never broach the subject, you don't know what the subject is”. He acknowledges that he was afraid that she wouldn’t be the person he raised, but learns this isn’t true through dialogue. He explains “When you try to raise a son, our culture's always been, ‘Our boys are tough, and men are men’…they grow up to be men, good men. And that you treat your...women as a princess.” At first, it felt impossible for him to see beyond those constructs. In a loving exchange that brings levity to the moment, Angel responds, “Well, I'm not a damn princess, Dad. I don't want to be a princess.” Mexican-American writer Jassyel Gomez wrote, “I hope episodes like this help facilitate conversations between loved ones. Strong family ties are a marker of Latinx culture and someone’s gender identity shouldn’t preclude them from accessing that.”
We watch as they allow themselves to be vulnerable about how this distance has hurt them both. Angel says, “You wanted me to one day say that you've made me the man I am? You've made me the woman I am…I couldn't do any of the things that I've done so far, like, without you. And the entire time I was doing it, I was just... I wanted my dad, you know? My thought has just been, like, if he could see the way I smile now and how happy I am, the glowing, and —” Jose stops her to confirm “at the end of the day, that's all we want.” As they tell each other they love each other Angel sweetly asks for another hug. As they cry in each other's arms, Jose assures her, and perhaps himself, “it’s gonna be ok”.
The episode ends with Angel’s dad joining her at her queer gym, Liberation Barbell Club, which is owned and run by queer women. As he spots her bench-press he says, “Atta girl!”. Angel gets up and says “that’s new!” The two of them share a laugh.
What’s the take-away?
Fear prevents us all from showing up authentically. When we don’t understand something, we often feel ashamed and isolated, leading to further disconnection. As Jonathan Van Ness (the Fab Five grooming expert) reminds us, no one is being selfish for living their truth. Whether you are a parent, teacher, partner, neighbor, or friend, you can learn more to show up for the trans people in your life. You don’t have to know everything to be able to support.
Don’t let your fear guide your actions. Instead, lead with love.
Want to learn more?
Learning the meaning of all these gender and sexuality words can be really helpful! To download a PDF of gender and sexuality terms click here.
If you are the parent or caregiver of someone who recently came out, I have a guide for you!
Read more blog posts like “Pronouns Are Not A Preference” and “The Future Is Nonbinary”
Thank you to Chris Angel Murphy (they/them) of Gender Sexuality Info, LLC for reviewing this piece. Their website is full of resources and goodies you don’t want to miss! Be sure to check out their amazing podcast Allyship is a Verb about LGBTQ+ stories and allyship tips!
