Parent Voices: Now ask yourself, what if it’s the right thing?
My child came out as trans 2 ½ years ago and I went searching in the blind hope I’d find answers and reassurance on the right thing to do. The reality of my journey to appreciating my child, being able to truly love and support her has involved going deep into my values and peeling away prejudice I never would have been able to name.
My early research took me to trans-friendly sources – a couple of other parents and an organisation supporting trans kids and their families. Weirdly though, despite moving me sharply up the learning curve, it served to push me in the wrong direction. I was drawn to and got stuck in all the medical ramifications of transition, missing the layers and nuances of a trans experience. Meanwhile, I supported my child by using her preferred name and pronouns and successfully engaged with her high school to do the same. Internally I was full of fear, worry and a grief I felt I was unable to express out loud.
I talked to friends about our situation and uncovered stories of other trans children in their extended networks. My head was reeling about how so many kids were trans and how wrong it felt.Trying to work out if my child was trans I continued along the path littered with information unsupportive of trans people. How could this be happening to us? At this point, she hadn't officially been diagnosed with autism but it had always been on our radar. I scoured my sources and latched onto her probable neurodivergence as the underlying cause. Anything to add weight to the building narrative that being trans was not what was really going on.
I dropped these defences when I found myself at a Women's Conference sitting next to a trans woman, who was one of the speakers. For what felt like the first time in over a year, I listened and, more importantly, heard what it truly meant to be trans. By engaging with this amazing woman an overriding sense that my child was going to be alright washed over me. People live in this world in many different ways, but we only know about what we’re exposed to. It was like scales dropped from my eyes. Maybe I’d been looking all along for someone to tell me it was OK to simply love my child just as she is. Perhaps the horror stories and accounts I’d read pathologizing and medicalising being trans were not the full picture.
I actively went out to find and connect with more trans people. Those I spoke with were all incredibly generous with their time, honesty and support. I joined a charitable organisation, FFLAG, here in the UK, which supports friends and families with LGBTQ+ loved ones. Recognising I needed support too and having a safe space to share the whole raft of emotions from anger, grief, relief and joy has been life changing.
Now in 2024, I feel apprehensive for those parents recently finding themselves here because the dial has turned up on the anti-trans rhetoric and the most visible and accessible information paints a picture of fear, and danger. There are few prominent stories of those with first hand positive experiences unless you look for them.
I didn't have an opinion about being trans. If we ever considered it, it was of no matter if we were left in ambiguity. When faced with understanding, showing compassion and loving a trans person - your child - the conversation takes on far greater significance. You are forced to go deep and ask hard questions of yourself. It’s absolutely been worth it.
As parents it’s essential to see the whole picture. We worry about it being the wrong thing. We need awareness of the implications of transition, whilst remembering it is joyous and rewarding for those fortunate enough to receive the support to live as the person they want to be. Moving through the experience I realised the actual question to ask is "what if this is the right thing?
Any parent reading this who is fearful for their trans child please know you are not alone. It is scary and uncertain, but so is life. Trust your child when they say who they are. It can be full of magical moments as you meet your child all over again. This is undoubtedly hard at times, however, this child may have more zest for life. That’s how I know this is right. I remember the child who was disappearing, becoming invisible and hiding away. So many things make sense with hindsight. Now I see a young person blossoming into herself and growing daily in confidence. My child has the right to live her life on her terms.
If you are a parent or caregiver who wants to better support your LGBTQIA+ child, consider parent coaching. You can book a complimentary 15 minute consult here.
Parent Voices is an anonymous opportunity for parents to voice their experience of raising a trans child, without disclosing their identity, and outing their child. If you would like to submit an article please send it to hello@genderspecialist.com with the subject line “Parent Voices”
