Parent Voices: To The Parent of a Trans Child
“This isn’t easy, per se—and it’s definitely tricky—but if we follow our child’s lead, it can be quite beautiful. And over time it will start to feel less tricky, and simply just—right.”
Let’s take a breath together.
Really. Take a deep breath.
Okay, now let’s chat.
Some of this is tricky, right? It was tricky when it all first started, and it continues to be tricky with each step of discovery. Each step of acceptance. Even with all the love and compassion in your heart.
It’s tricky.
It was tricky when you realized they’re always the mom when they play family with their siblings, or that they only want to be the boy Barbie.
It was tricky when they first started to ask you to call them a girl. Or maybe when they started to demand you call them a boy—after asking nicely many times. It was tricky the first time you used their new-to-you pronouns and the first time you said their chosen name.
It’s tricky when one day you realize you haven’t said their birth name in a long, long time. That name now feels foreign; kind of like a whole different child, in a way.
It’s tricky when they start to shift the little things about themselves and their world—how they dress (including what kind of underwear is okay or not okay) and how they wear their hair. Their backpack, their lunchbox, the character on their toothbrush may have all gradually changed, too.
It was tricky when they took their earrings out. Tricky when you ordered their first pair of sparkly shoes. Tricky when they had a total meltdown over an outfit for a party.
It’s tricky when they say things like, “Mom, I’m gonna stand up and pee like a boy” or “Dad, I want boobies like her one day.”
It’s tricky when you have the talk with grandparents, trying to explain this experience to them, desperately hoping for understanding, compassion, and compliance. Unsure of what you’ll get.
It’s tricky when a friend misgenders them again and again and your child comes to you crying big, sad tears. “I hate when they call me ‘he’. Why can’t they just call me ‘she’?”. Our response, as delicate as we try to be, can feel—tricky.
It’s tricky seeing people who knew them prior to their social transition. Unsure of what to say, you practice nervously in the mirror, in the privacy of your bathroom. “Hi Helen! This is Ellie now. She’s using she/her pronouns.”
It’s tricky starting a new school, unsure of who to disclose what information to—and when. Tricky deciding who to confide in, how open you should be, and what people will say.
It’s tricky deciding how much of your child’s story to tell. What’s yours to share, and what’s theirs for you to protect. It’s a gray area, like a lot of this gender journey.
It’s tricky when you doubt yourself. That doubt is heavy, and it’s hard to carry. You may often wonder whether you’re doing all of this the right way or if you’re totally screwing up.
It’s tricky when you hear something bad happening to trans kids on the news or maybe even in your town. It’s soul-crushing to realize there are people out there that don’t get it, don’t give our kids a chance.
It’s tricky to continuously flip flop between being ready to attack and ready to play defense to being surprised by someone’s open heart, mind, and genuine kindness.
It’s tricky every day because we weren’t prepared for this. This wasn’t really covered in the parenting books or classes.
But what isn’t tricky is the deep and unconditional love I have for my child. What isn’t tricky is my fierce protection and desire to support them. What isn’t tricky is the fact that my child is still my child—no matter who they are or how they dress or what their pronouns are.
Your child’s soul is beautiful and intact and special.
That isn’t tricky.
When I get caught up in the grayness, I ask myself a question to remind myself of what my guiding light is. “What else would we be doing?”
We’re rolling with it and supporting our kiddo and honestly—what other options are there? I would never force my child to wear clothes that made them so physically uncomfortable they sobbed until their eyes were red and puffy. I’d never make my child use a name that brought them so much anger their whole personality started shifting right before my eyes.
I’d never deny my child the love they deserve. And it breaks my heart, in a very real way, to know that some parents do make their kids wear the clothes that make them cry and call them the name that makes them scream—and deny those sweet babies the love they need.
This isn’t easy, per se—and it’s definitely tricky—but if we follow our child’s lead, it can be quite beautiful. And over time it will start to feel less tricky, and simply just—right.
Love,
The parent of a trans child
Parent Voices is an anonymous opportunity for parents to voice their experience of raising a trans child, without disclosing their identity, and outing their child. If you would like to submit an article please send it to hello@genderspecialist.com with the subject line “Parent Voices”
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