How To Support Trans Family During The Holidays
The holiday season is here! While many people enjoy the holidays, this time of year also presents unique challenges. For trans and gender expansive folks, the holidays can be activating and isolating.
There are steps that you can take to help make the holidays easier on the trans folks in your life. If you’re cisgender and want to know how to support your trans or gender expansive family member this holiday season, read on…
Follow their lead
It is vital that you follow the lead of your family member. A great way to ensure this happens is that you check in with them in advance of any gatherings. For example, they might not want to come out to extended family and friends, and might request that you use different pronouns than usual.
This might be difficult for you, but understand that they are doing this for their safety and wellbeing. Assure your family member that you are there for them and will support them in the ways that they consent to.
Stand up for them! (with permission)
If a trans family member is ready to come out to extended family and/or friends, you can ask them how you can be a support for them in that process and let them know that you are happy to stand up for them whenever necessary.
If your trans family member has come out to extended family or friends, and you hear someone using the wrong name or pronouns to refer to them, speak up! Sometimes this happens as a mistake - which can be gently corrected - and sometimes it can be purposeful misgendering. In advance of family gathering, ask if your family member would be comfortable with you speaking up. This is an opportunity to use your cisgender privilege and be a good ally! You likely have the power to stand up for your family member without the same fears that your trans family member might have.
When I game plan with clients before the holidays, so often folks will say “luckily my aunt Sharon will be there and she always corrects people for me". You can be aunt Sharon (or whatever you call yourself!)! A simple correction on a loved one’s name and pronouns is easy and simple to do, and can make a huge difference in the comfort of your family member during the holidays.
Ask about how to handle invasive questions
Along with misgendering and deadnaming, a trans family member might come across a different sort of discomfort from family during the holidays. Often, cisgender people ask inappropriate, invasive questions of the trans people around them (ex: inquiring about gender affirming surgeries, asking about their sex life). These questions might not be coming from a place of malintent, but they can make trans people uncomfortable all the same.
Check in with your trans family member about how active of a role they are comfortable with you taking in shutting this behavior down. You can take the more subtle route of changing the subject when these topics come up. Or you could offer, with permission, to have preemptive conversations with extended family members to try to hedge off some of those uncomfortable moments.
Follow your trans family member’s lead, but be ready to say something when you hear something inappropriate.
Make your own plan!
While you may have to endure an awkward family dinner, consider planning something fun to do together after! You could ask them if there is an activity or something they might enjoy doing during the holidays to ease some of the stress. These plans don’t have to be extravagant but can give someone something to look forward to.
Show them that you love them
The holiday season is meant to be a time of love and joy, and everyone deserves that! No matter what, assure your trans family members that you love them, respect them and their identity, and will be there to speak and stand up for them whenever they want you to. Make sure they know that you will be there for them, during the holiday season and beyond!
Want to read more?
Check out more blog posts about the holiday season: Parenting Trans Kids During The Holidays, Should I Buy Gender Neutral Gifts, and Our First Christmas “Out”
Resources to learn more about LGBTQ+ identities and be a better parent or caregiver:
To download a PDF of gender and sexuality terms click here.
Has a kid in your life recently come out to you? Check out my guide!
Sign up for How To Talk To Kids About Gender, the course that helps parents and caregivers have the not-so-difficult conversations that matter about gender.
