Aren’t They Too Young To Know?
Whenever I discuss working with trans youth, the question I’m always asked is,
“But aren’t they too young to know?”
When did you first know your gender identity?
Do you remember feeling sure of it?
If you can’t recall, don’t beat yourself up, because you were likely only a few years old.
To best answer this question, let’s break down what we know about gender identity development in kids. Research suggests that by a child’s third birthday, they are clearly able to label and identify their gender. Often before school age, children begin to experience more gender stability; their basic gender identity doesn’t change over time. This stability increases in children in early elementary school as they experience greater gender constancy. Gender constancy means their gender remains the same across changes in gender expression (e.g. hair length, clothing, behavior). A great example of this is playing dress up or other imaginary games in which a child can know their own gender regardless of the garments they are wearing or the role they are playing. However, It is important to note that just because a child appears aligned with their sex assigned at birth during childhood, that does not mean that they are not trans or gender non-conforming. For a variety of reasons, many people dont feel safe or confident disclosing their identity until later in life due to fears of discrimination, rejection, or loss.
But aren’t all those studies about cisgender kids?
Gender development of transgender children between the ages of three and twelve years old is, at the most basic level, the same as cisgender children’s gender development1 .More and more studies have shown that gender nonconforming and transgender children are just as confident and consistent in their own gender identity as cisgender children. Any identity confusion a caregiver witnesses is more likely due to societal expectations and a desire to conform than doubting their own identity. Many researchers have found that preschool aged transgender children who have socially transitioned were never significantly different from those of their gender-typical peers2. For example, these transgender children’s preferences for toys, clothes, and friends were more typically assoicated with their expressed gender. Similarly, they expressed greater feelings of similarities to peers of their own expressed gender than another.
Ok, so are you saying that it’s not a phase?
I’m saying that kids know themselves a whole lot more than adults tend to give them credit for, and we need to listen to them. It’s entirely possible that your child will go through a phase of wanting to wear certain types of clothing or style their hair a certain way and that does not mean that they are transgender. It means they are exploring their identity and it’s essential that they have the space and support to do that. If they don’t, they will likely do it anyway but in ashamed secrecy.
So how do I know if this is my kid exploring or my kid is really transgender?
As much as it may feel like it’s your job to know, it isn’t. Your job is to provide unconditional love and support. When it comes to gender, there are no guaranteed outcomes. Your best bet is to listen to your child. I know this is scary but it’s important not to let that fear become an exercise in control. Preferences for colors or activities are different from a proclamation of identity such as “ I am a girl” which is a much stronger predictor. Studies show that the gender nonconforming children who identify as transgender later in life, showed more extremity in their nonconformity than other children. Simply put, the more a child identifies with a gender and expresses that, the more likely they are to transition. Results further suggest that children who socially transition at early ages are likely to continue to identify as transgender later in life.3
One thing in the research that’s incredibly clear: kids who have parental support are happier, healthier, and have greater self esteem.
Whether this is a phase or not, can you love and support your child anyway?
Fast, A. A., & Olson, K. R. (2018). Gender development in transgender preschool children. Child Development, 89(2), 620–637. https://doi-org.muhlenberg.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/cdev.12758
Olson, K. R., & Gülgöz, S. (2018). Early findings from the transyouth project: Gender development in transgender children. Child Development Perspectives, 12(2), 93–97. https://doi-org.muhlenberg.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/cdep.12268
Olson, K. R., Key, A. C., & Eaton, N. R. (2015). Gender cognition in transgender children. Psychological Science, 26(4), 467–474. https://doi-org.muhlenberg.idm.oclc.org/10.1177/0956797614568156
Rae, J. R., Gülgöz, S., Durwood, L., DeMeules, M., Lowe, R., Lindquist, G., & Olson, K. R. (2019). Predicting early-childhood gender transitions. Psychological Science, 30(5), 669–681.https://doi-org.muhlenberg.idm.oclc.org/10.1177/0956797619830649
Thank you to my research assistant M. Roitman
